do you at times rasa that you're lost? and what you have done is not enough? today, my almost perfect day is shattered. i found out my b*sses bising about my work. apparently what i wrote wasn't enough and katanya, my quality kerja menurun.
i've been hearing (dulu) one of them cakap that kawin je kerja menurun. i'm so pissed off coz how dare she said things like that without cermin diri sendiri! don;t she know that ppl are working their a*s off. sacrificing their time for work and have lil else apart from that! and i have to give it to my colleagues, they bear with it and telan. i guess, my limit dah sampai kot coz i don't want to be the person who utamakan kerja and let everything that matters to me slide. i balance my time.
i'm sad. sedih sampai menangis the whole day and sampai rumah je, terus tidur. bayangkan tidur dari pukul 8 pm until 1 am. (i'm sure boleh tidur until the next morning but my mom's constant call for me to eat and the need to talk to fitri buat i bangun), wanting to shut the world away. the sakit hati is unbearable. not just that, lets just say, self esteem pun barely there.
you see, starting 1 jan, i buat this promise to myself that i would be a better person, a better jour*alist. so i work my a*s off to make sure tak tertinggal datelines, story better etc...but when i heard the news today (a colleague bgtau me tru the phone/sms), my heart just stop...memula numb and as soon as i letak the phone, nangis tak ingat....
i'm tired. tired of trying, work hard and then aleh-aleh kena kutuk belakang. i know myself and i know that i do a lot of research to do my writeups, bukan pakai bahan sedia ada buat suka hati, syok sendiri, kaki mengampu or ambil assignments/fax orang and made it as its for me! i've sacrificed a lot! but maybe my best is not enough. or maybe this work is not for me....*sigh*
some ppl would say that i should be stronger but i dunno. rasa cam dah nak give up. the thing is, now i'm lost and i don't know what i should do or what i'm good at. kira cam semangat dah lebur. *sigh*.
maybe they are true, maybe kerja i ntah pepe nowdays...lots if maybes. lots of self-doubt. lots of questions.
i wish hubby is here so he could wipe the tears away.
there goes my new year resolution.